A Peaceful GET
by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn
A prominent Torah personality once told me, "Oh, if only we could have a peaceful divorce." He had worked without success on getting two people separated, and when the GET finally came, the anger was obvious to everyone. An angry GET can ruin two lives, as people go away from each other but inside of each is an anger that won't let go, and neither can begin a new live properly.
A GET is a divorce meaning, ideally, that the two are really finished with each other, not looking back, not thinking those angry thoughts, but able to put it all away and start a new life. It won't be a picnic, but it will be a lot easier without the angry memories that become part of the scenery. How can this be done?
When you and yours are under stress, the first little stress, not the final blow, get real, realize where you are going, and prepare yourself. Don't "do it yourself." You can't make Shalom Bayis by reading a book, although it may help a lot. You can't solve your family's financial pressures, the difficulties with the children, family pressures, just by reading a book. You've got to have help. There are two kinds.
One, is help that arrives early, as early as possible in the strained marriage. The other help comes late, while the house is burning, and nobody can put out the fire.
You may need to experiment to find the right person. You may have to evolve into a better listener, into someone who can handle all of the anger, fear, and anxiety. You may need to learn new coping skills. But if you begin early in the pattern of pain, you have a good chance of winning. But, for our purposes here, we are talking about a GET, so obvious things didn't work out. You tried, but it didn't go. What do you do now?
A woman told me that she divorced her first husband who told her, "Our marriage was a Chilul HaShem. Let us divorce and make a Kiddush HaShem." I wanted to weep when I heard it. Yes, you failed with your marriage, but you can succeed, if you really try, with a divorce. And do you know what? Because the couple divorced with such a positive attitude, and left the pain behind them, as much as humanly possible, they were owners of their hearts, and could use their new opportunities without a carcass of fury sitting on their heads every day.
Regardless if you are a candidate for divorce, or if you know such a person, or even if you are studying the subject for whatever reason, here is a plan.
This plan is not for divorced people, it is for a community. Because to do divorce properly one needs support. Every Torah community must provide it, along with all of the other wonderful CHESED programs in the Orthodox world. We need a public program to help people get divorced peacefully.
People who divorce enter a dimension of fear. People tell the person contemplating divorce, "The other guy is going to a good lawyer and is going to ruin you so you strike first" or such things. There are crews of ladies cruising the Orthodox community with antennas to pick up family fights. They then approach the lady of the house and teach her how to call the police and get her husband sent to jail for violating an order of protection. Then the husband wises up, and he knows a few things, and the woman panics. It is one happy couple. There are men who invoke the Talmud and the Torah to destroy a woman's happiness by denying her a GET when she deserves it. We have a lot of funny people in our community, especially the idealists. Nobody but an idealist can destroy people's lives, especially when there are children; only an idealist can destroy them.
So we have to go beyond the whisperers and the idealists. We must, in every community, establish a Peaceful GET program. There is a public phone number, or the number of a certain person, someone who can keep confidences and who is trusted. Then, the husband or wife who wants to get the facts about divorce from a reliable non-idealistic (twisted idealism) source can do so.
If I got such a call, this is what I would say.
You are thinking about divorce? Here are facts, just plain facts, and just let me talk, because these facts are for everyone, and I don't have to know the particulars of your case.
A divorce means certain issues. One, custody, two, who will live in the house, three, who owns the house, four, how are the valuable items of the estate divided, also alimony, a Kesubo, tuition for the Yeshiva, who will pay it, medical insurance, who can afford it and perhaps some other issues, like the car, who will get it?
Let the couple contemplating divorce go one step at a time to resolve these issues, even before a divorce is decided upon. It makes so much more sense to discuss a GET only after you know exactly that a GET means in practical terms. If you don't know, you may be shocked and disoriented. But if you do know, you can proceed better and plan your life, maybe even come in for a soft landing instead of what surprises can produce.
A community committee, especially one sanctioned by the rabbinate and the community, has a certain prestige, even a certain power, to make people deal with it, and not to take the battle into the gutter with the idealists.
The committee should take no money. The entire divorce procedure should be arranged step by step, going over with the couple how to settle custody and fiscal issues. One they are resolved, they can decide about the GET with their heads functioning, which is wonderful, if that is the word. Yes, even a peaceful GET can be wonderful when you think about the alternative.
A community committee sanctioned by everyone should have the prestige of the community pressuring the couple to settle. The idea that people can fight over the Beth Din and even unspeakable issues must be resolved by a community committee doing steadily and peacefully a plan for a peaceful divorce. Such a committee may get stuck here or there, but if the community wants peace, it will help and assure a peaceful GET.