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Jewish marriage is
when a man gives a woman a ring or something of value and tells her,
"With this ring you are MIKUDESHES to me according to the laws of
Moses and Israel." MIKUDESHES is from the word
קידושין. This first level of marriage is called ERUSIN. At
this point, the woman is married to the man, but they may not be
together.
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The KIDDUSHIN
ceremony must be performed in front of two proper witnesses.
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The next phase if
NISUIN, when they are married and may be together. This is done with
the ceremony known as CHUPA, when the two come together under a
canopy and blessings are recited. The blessings under the CHUPA or
canopy finalize the married.
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In ancient Israel, a
man would make KIDDUSHIN or ERUSIN while the woman was still in her
father's home. Months later, the two would marry with CHUPA and
NISUIN and would live together.
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Jewish marriage, or
KIDDUSHIN, is a sacred bond that cannot be severed without a divorce
paper called GET given by the husband to the wife, in the presence
of proper witnesses.
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The marital bond is
severed also by the death of one of the spouses.
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A woman whose husband
is missing is an AGUNAH. For instance, during the Second World War,
large numbers of women who survived could not locate their husbands.
Many of these husbands were dead, but there was no proof. Some of
the husbands were in Russian prison camps and could not be located,
but were still alive and the wife was still married. These questions
were brought to the great rabbis to decide.
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In the event that a husband refuses
to give his wife a GET, she may not remarry.
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If the wife refuses to give a woman a
GET, he may also not remarry.
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However, a man may be given a HETER
MAYO RABONIM, Permission from a Hundred Rabbis. This may be done if
a woman has become insane. However, in earlier generations, even in
such a case, some communities would not issue the permission. One
reason may be that if a woman has no husband to protect her from
sin, the community is at risk. If she has a child, it is a MAMZER,
which is a threat to the holiness of the Jewish people. However,
most communities will give such a permission.
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If a husband does not give a GET, and
the woman demands one, what can be done?
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People may try to persuade the
husband. Sometimes, even a small amount of social pressure can
convince the husband to give a GET.
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However, there are times when the
husband absolutely refuses, not matter what. This can be either
because he loves his wife truly and cannot divorce her, or because
he hates her so much, he will ruin his own life and remain unmarried
just to spite her.
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Therefore, a man or woman desiring a
divorce must not antagonize the other spouse. Once anger enters the
picture, all the bets are off.
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From the first second that a person
wants a divorce, they should repair to those wise in counsel who can
guide them and save them from much aggravation. They could benefit
from talking to others who have gone through the experience. They
must know the various factors that enter into a divorce, such as
fiscal settlement, visitation with children, division of assets,
etc.
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More important, a person must know
whether a divorce is really warranted. Does the Torah consider this
marriage worthless? Does the Torah advise you to raise your children
without another parent? Does the Torah advise you to be alone and
not be fulfilled? If you will be miserable and your children happy
with the marriage, but in a divorce your children will be miserable,
what should you do?
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What about the spouse who does not
want a divorce? How do they react? They, too, must seek a Torah
opinion on the issue. Is divorce the proper thing to do? How much
fighting to save the marriage is proper? If divorce is wrong, but
the other side wants it, how to react?
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The spouse that wants the divorce
must receive a Torah opinion on how to pressure the other side.
Usually, there is a period of attempting reconciliation. This is
especially important if there are children.
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The gemora tells of a man who had a
bad wife and wanted to divorce her. However, he had children from
her and could not divorce her.
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A man became religious but his wife
could not be religious. She tried, but couldn't do it. He therefore
insisted on a divorce. She took their children and raised them
irreligiously. I felt this was wrong and asked the Posek HaDor who
told me it was wrong to do the divorce if the man could convince the
wife to do those things necessary for his personal religious
survival, such as Mikveh.
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There are people whose marriage began
badly, but in later years, calmed down, and they went on to have
glorious families.
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Young people are pressured by little
children, who are quite a pressure, and financial pressures,
considered by the Talmud as the beginning of family quarrels. A
marriage cannot easily survive in a pressure cooker.
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Therefore, when considering divorce
in a miserable marriage, the couple must consider why they are
miserable. If external circumstances such as money or a sick child
are the problem, they should fight to save the marriage. If,
however, they have everything, but can't stand each other, that is a
big problem.
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The Talmud says, "Two snakes cannot
dwell in the same bag." If one spouse is a snake and the other can
remain a person, the marriage may continue. But if both spouses
become snakes, that is a big problem.
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Sometimes people are in such a state
due to job or health problems they may become "snakes," but later
on, may calm down and be a good spouse. However, if there is no
external trigger to the evil behavior, this is much worse.
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A husband who hits his wife is
considered a monster, and he is. However, although in secular
society a woman with ten children must flee to a shelter and let her
children live in purgatory to escape the husband monster, and lose
her own marital viability, in Torah law this is not necessarily so.
Hitting a wife is a great sin, but so is destroying a marriage.
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A gentile woman was divorced twice,
and was now married for the third time. She had a spat with her
husband, and she brutally insulted him, comparing him unfavorably
with her other husbands. He threw something at her, not to harm her,
and not in a manner where there could be any harm. But she, in the
spirit of the fight, saw an opening to hurt him. She called the
police.
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By the time she got to court, she
realized she had made a big mistake. She begged the job to allow her
to rescind her complaint, otherwise, she would divorce her third
husband and maybe never marry again. The judge told her, "No, I am
going to send your husband to jail. I want to send a message."
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Society is now sending messages, and
they are sending women to destruction. The Torah world is not
interested so much in sending messages. We want to do what is right
for the woman and make sure that the husband is aware of the
consequences of his actions, but not by destroying the marriage and
ruining her life.
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There are men who have an illness
that causes them to beat their wives badly on a regular basis.
Sometimes, these men love their wives dearly, and the love is
reciprocated. But the illness persists. This is a very nasty
problem. But even in this case, we do not automatically destroy the
marriage and the woman in order to "send a message." We want to give
the woman a life, if we can, and we want to really lean on the
husband, perhaps by working with the police, but not by "sending
messages" and the woman to a lonely fate.